Beer Troubleshooting Guide

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Beer Troubleshooting Guide

  • SYMPTOM: Feet cold and wet
  • CAUSE: Glass being held at incorrect angle.
  • CORRECTIVE ACTION: Rotate glass so that open end points toward ceiling


  • SYMPTOM: Feet warm and wet
  • CAUSE: Improper Bladder Control
  • CORRECTIVE ACTION: Stand next to nearest dog, complain about lack of house training


  • SYMPTOM: Beer unusually pale and tasteless
  • CAUSE: a. Glass empty. OR b. You're holding a Coors Lite
  • CORRECTIVE ACTION: Get someone to buy you another beer


  • SYMPTOM: Opposite wall covered with fluorescent lights
  • CAUSE: You have fallen over backward.
  • CORRECTIVE ACTION: Have yourself leashed to bar or train seat


  • SYMPTOM: Mouth contains cigarette butts, back of head covered with ashes
  • CAUSE: You have fallen forward
  • CORRECTIVE ACTION: See above


  • SYMPTOM: Beer tasteless, front of your shirt is wet
  • CAUSE: a. Mouth not open OR b. Glass applied to wrong part of face
  • CORRECTIVE ACTION: Retire to restroom, practice in mirror


  • SYMPTOM: Floor Blurred
  • CAUSE: You are looking through bottom of empty glass
  • CORRECTIVE ACTION: Get someone to buy you another beer


  • SYMPTOM: Floor moving
  • CAUSE: You are being carried out
  • CORRECTIVE ACTION: Find out if you are being taken to another bar


  • SYMPTOM: Room seems unusually dark
  • CAUSE: Bar has closed
  • CORRECTIVE ACTION: Confirm home address with bartender. If staff is gone, grab a six-pack to go and hit the nearest fire escape door. Run


  • SYMPTOM: Taxi suddenly takes on colorful aspect and textures
  • CAUSE: Beer consumption has exceeded personal limitations
  • CORRECTIVE ACTION: Cover mouth, open window, stick head outside


  • SYMPTOM: Everyone looks up to you and smiles
  • CAUSE: You are dancing on the table
  • CORRECTIVE ACTION: Fall on someone cushy-looking


  • SYMPTOM: Beer is crystal-clear
  • CAUSE: It's water! Somebody is trying to sober you up
  • CORRECTIVE ACTION: Punch him


  • SYMPTOM: People are standing around urinals, talking or putting on makeup
  • CAUSE: You're in the ladies' room
  • CORRECTIVE ACTION: Do not use urinal! Excuse yourself, exit and try the next door down the hall. Try to get phone numbers (optional)


  • SYMPTOM: Hands hurt, nose hurts, mind unusually clear
  • CAUSE: You have been in a fight
  • CORRECTIVE ACTION: Apologize to everyone you see, just in case it was them


  • SYMPTOM: Don't recognize anyone, don't recognize the room you're in
  • CAUSE: You've wandered into the wrong party
  • CORRECTIVE ACTION: See if they have free beer


  • SYMPTOM: Your bedroom is painted gray, has a concrete floor and an interesting steel door. Toilet may be conveniently located next to your bunk
  • CAUSE: a. You're in jail OR b. You're in the navy
  • CORRECTIVE ACTION: Sleep it off, you can always get out tomorrow. Don't talk to your new roommate, and under no circumstances sleep on your stomach


  • SYMPTOM: Your singing sounds distorted
  • CAUSE: The beer is too weak
  • CORRECTIVE ACTION: Have more beer until your voice improves


  • SYMPTOM: Don't remember the words to the song
  • CAUSE: Beer is functioning as designed